There are so many things I want to say about it in an attempt to encourage anyone struggling in her life to provide a way to focus on others for a whole year. There was no pinterest.com in 2006, and I didn't find an inspiration for this project anywhere on the net. The idea for it comes from a collection of ideas I'd encountered, and I took my love of journaling / scrapbooking to create this unique journal.
The only guideline I gave myself was that it had to be positive and focused on others. There are entries that sometimes became a bit negative or focused on me, but for the most part, I tried to channel positive energy into others. I chose 12 people in my life that I felt had provided me support and encouragement, people who I felt I had somehow over used, people I felt I had dismissed or people who I felt a great sense of anger toward. As I just now made my list and tried to see where each person fell, I was amused to see that I had an even list of people meaning that of the 4 categories I outlined, 3 people fell into each category. I had not created the categories beforehand. As I was creating this post, I labeled them. Each person on my list was randomly assigned a month. For those whose birthday I knew, I did not assign that person to their birth month.
Recap - I grabbed an empty journal, one of those you can get from a dollar store. I eyeballed it and divided it into 12 sections, leaving about 4 pages for the introduction.
Let's get started - On the first page for each month, I added a divider with the month on it. For my first journal, I used reinforcements because I had them. Use what you have. On the first page for each month, add a box: friend, address, phone number, social media, etc. I made each of these boxes about 7 full lines so that I could also write down special notes for that person (favorite food, favorite beverage, etc., fondest memory). On that front page I also wrote any info about birthdays, upcoming celebrations, etc. I used this journal for my own emotional recovery, so planning ways to pray for others was essential.
As I read back through January's entries, it took me a bit of time to actually stop dwelling in self-pity. For the proactive / pay it forward idea of this journal - reach out to the person of the month. Plan at least 2 contacts for the month. I didn't tell the people what I was doing; I just reached out. For February, I sent each of my 12 a Valentine's Day card picked for him / her.
As I read through February's entries, my tears began to fall - I was so in love in Feb. 2006, so hopeful, and so prepared for a sweet life. And each entry transitioned to the next, I could see how old patterns of denial and disillusion cycled through, day after day. Finally, on 3/9, I shift to the original intent of the journal - others. "my proactive journal has been more successful than i had imagined; it gives me a focus - something other than my own self-depression and abysmal self-pity." I pasted in any notes, cards, etc sent back to me from my person of the month. I made notes in the journal of any special contacts made, notes, etc.
I often reached out to more than the 12 people I'd planned, and I can see those notes tucked in here / there. As April crept in and my self-esteem seemed to bottom out, I aggressively "payed it forward" to others. I made notes about numerous Easter cards and notes sent to others. I also added several magazine clippings. I began the month taking Whitney and Kaitlyn to the park in Early, spending time watching them play.
Then, in May, I began Co-Dependents Anonymous and began working through the steps for recovery. As I read this 12 year journal now, I can hear more of my recovered voice in the struggling of May's entries. It took a while for this journal to get me where I had hoped it would get me; but honestly working on the recovery process helped get me started. I encourage anyone needing to work through burn out, depression or grief to try a "proactive" or "pay it forward" journal and to approach it honestly. The other amazing thing that came about from this process, for me, was reaching out to a CoDA group and putting my recovery first. So many things fell into place for me in 2006 that would be necessary for me to survive the next 12 years. And I can say that I am super excited about 2019 and where I am.
